Face Bullying With Confidence. "8 Skills Kids Can Use Right Away"

  

1. Walk With Awareness, Calm, Respect, and Confidence

People are less likely to be picked on and more likely to be listened to if they walk, sit, and act with awareness, calm, respect, and confidence. This means keeping one's head up, back straight, taking brisk steps, looking around, having a peaceful face and body, noticing what is happening around you, and moving away from people who might cause trouble.

Show the differences between acting passive, aggressive and assertive in body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Coach your child to walk across the floor, coaching her or him to be successful, by saying for example; "That's great!" "Now take bigger steps", "Look around you" "Straighten your back." etc.

2. Leave in a Powerful, Positive Way

The best self-defense tactic is called "target denial," which means "don't be there." Act out a scenario imagining being in a place relevant for each kid. For example, suppose your child gets bullied walking in the school corridor. You can pretend to be a bully standing by the wall saying and doing mean things such as shouting insults, making faces, or pointing. Ask your child what these mean things might be because what is considered insulting or upsetting is different for different people, times, and places.

Coach your child to veer around the bully in order to move out of reach. Remind your child to leave with awareness, calm, respect, and confidence, glancing back to see where the bully is. Let your child practicing saying something neutral in a normal tone of voice like "See you later!" or "Have a nice day!" while calmly and confidently moving away. Point out that stepping out of line or changing seats is often the safest choice.

3. Set Boundaries

If another kid keeps following your child or threatens your child in a situation where she or he cannot just leave, your child needs to be able to set a clear boundary.

Start the practice by pretending to poke your child in the back (do this very gently; the idea is not to be hurtful). Coach your child to turn, stand up tall, put his or her hands up in front like a fence between you, palms facing outwards and open, and say "Stop!"

Coach your child to use a calm, clear voice and polite, firm words- not whiney and not aggressive. Show how different tones of voices and choices of words can sound rude, weak, or both powerful and respectful. Praise your child for trying even if she or he does not get it right to begin with. Realize that acting out being bothered might be triggering for your child -- and maybe for you too.

Your people – and adults as well - need support to learn these skills. The goal is to be able to take charge of your space by moving away and, if need be, setting boundaries as soon as a problem is about to start. That way, your child is ready to take positive action rather than waiting.

4. Use Your Voice

Your voice is a powerful self-protection tool – and also an important tool in advocating for others.

Suppose somebody is trying to push, trip, or hit your child, or knuckle her or his head. Start the practice by holding your child gently and, very slowly and gently, acting as if you are about to physically bother him or her. The goal is to practice, not to be scary or hurtful. Coach your child to pull away and yell, “NO!” really loudly. Coach him or her to say, "STOP! I don't like that!" Coach your child to leave quickly.

Pretend to block your child from leaving a bathroom, using threatening language that your child suggests. For example, “I’m going to get you! You disrespected me!” Coach your child to look you in the eyes and speak in a firm, respectful voice with both hands up and open palms facing between you like a fence, saying, “I’m sorry I offended you. I just want to leave.” Pretend not to leave. Coach your child to practice yelling words like, “STOP! LEAVE! I NEED HELP!” Or, “______ is bullying me in the bathroom. I need help!” Make yells short, strong, and low, breathing from the belly rather than the throat. Teach your child to leave and go to an adult for help.

Practice with your child how to speak up when others are being bullied if it is safe to do so. For example, practice saying firmly and politely, “That was an unkind thing to do. Please stop!” See Speaking Up About Putdowns at www.kidpower.org.

5. Protect Your Feelings From Name-Calling

Schools, youth organizations, social groups, and families should create harassment-free zones just as workplaces should. However, you can teach children how to protect themselves from insults. Tell your child that saying something mean back makes the problem bigger, not better.

One way to take the power out of hurting words by is saying them out loud and imagining throwing them away. Doing this physically and out loud at home will help a child to do this in his or her imagination in real life. Help your child practice throwing the mean things that other people are saying into an imaginary Trash Can. Have your child then say something positive out loud to himself or herself to take in.

For example, suppose someone says, "I don't like you!" You can throw those words away and say, "I like myself." If someone says, "You are stupid" you can throw those words away and say, "I'm smart." If someone says, "I don't want to play with you" then you can throw those words away and say, "I will find another friend."

6. Speak Up for Inclusion

Being left out is a major form of bullying. Exclusion to shame or shun someone should be clearly against the rules at school, in sports, and in youth organizations – in fact, everywhere.

However, suppose a child’s negative behavior causes other kids to avoid him or her. This situation is very different than a child being deliberately excluded to make her or him feel bad. In this case, the child being avoided needs help in developing more positive social skills. The kids around this child need help in explaining to adults what the problem is and in understanding ways to be kind towards this child while taking care of their own boundaries.

Young people need to know how to be persistent in speaking up for inclusion for themselves and others. For example, here’s how to help a child practice persisting in asking to join a game. As the adult, you can pretend to be a bully who wants to exclude. Coach your child to walk up to you and say, "I want to play." Coach your child to sound and look positive and friendly, not whiny or aggressive.

Ask your child the reasons that kids give for excluding him or her. Use those reasons so your child can practice persisting. For example, suppose the reason is, "You're not good enough!" Your child can practice saying "I'll get better if I practice!" Suppose the reason is, "There are too many playing already!" Your child might practice saying, "There's always room for one more." Suppose the reason is, "You cheated last time!" Your child might practice saying, "I did not understand the rules. Let's make sure we agree on the rules this time."

Children can also learn to speak up for inclusion of others. Pretend to be a kid who wants to exclude another kid. Coach your child to speak up by saying in a powerful, respectful voice., “Leaving people out is unfair and unkind.” Or, “Give her a chance!” Or, “That’s not cool!” As the kid who is excluding, say, “If you play with ______, I won’t play with you.” Coach child to say something like, “I want to play with both of you. But, if you don’t want to play with us, it’s your decision.”

7. Be Persistent in Getting Help

Children who are being bullied or who witness bullying need to be able to tell teachers, parents, and other adults in charge what is happening in the moment clearly and calmly. They need to be prepared to persist even if these adults are very distracted or rude - and even if asking for help has not worked before. Learning how to have polite, firm words, body language and tone of voice even under pressure and to not give up when asking for help is a life-long skill.

We have found that practice is helpful for both children and adults in learning how to persist and get help when you need it:

• Pretend to be a teacher or someone else who your child might expect help and support from. Tell your child who you are pretending to be and where you might be at school. Have your child start saying in a clear calm voice, "Excuse me I have a safety problem."
• You pretend to be busy and just ignore your child!
• Coach him or her to keep going and say: "Excuse me, I really need your help."
• Act irritated and impatient and say, "Yes. what is it now?" and keep being busy.
• Coach your child to say something specific like, "The girls over there are calling me
names and not letting me play with them. I have told them I don't like being called names and that I want to play but they won't listen. " or "Those boys keep coming up and pushing me. I have tried to stay away from them but they keep coming up to me and won't leave me alone." Or, “I just saw _____ hitting ______.” At school, teachers want children to try to solve their problems when they can. However, adult intervention is needed if this does not work or if someone is being harmed.
• You say: "That's nice!" as if you heard but did not actually listen. This is very common for busy adults.
• Coach your child to touch your arm and keep going "Please, to listen to me this is important!”
• Now you get irritated and say "Can't you see I’m busy!?"
• Tell your child that sometimes adults get angry and don’t understand but not to give up in asking for help and to say the specific problem again: "I do not feel safe here because (state specific problem again) ______________."
• You minimize and say: "What's the big deal? Just stay away from them."
• Coach your child to be persistent and say again, staying calm and firm, "My parents told me that kids are supposed to be safe at school. This isn’t safe, and I need your help. Please listen."
• Now change your demeanor so that your child can see you are listening and understanding and say "Oh! I am sorry I yelled at you, and I am glad you are telling me. Tell me more, and we will figure out what to do."

Remind your child that, if the adult still does not listen, it is not his or her fault. The child’s job is to keep asking until someone does something to fix the problem. Tell your child that you always want to know whenever she or he has a problem with anyone anywhere anytime. Ultimately, adults are responsible for creating safe environments for the children in their lives and for being good role-models for children by acting as their advocates. See Bullying in Schools: Seven Solutions for Parents.

8. Use Physical Self-Defense as a Last Resort

Children need to know when they have the right to hurt someone to stop that person from hurting them. At Kidpower, we teach that fighting is a last resort - when you are about to be harmed and you cannot leave or get help. However, bullying problems are often not as clear-cut as other self-defense issues.

Families have different rules about where they draw the line. Have conversations with your child to discuss when you think a physical self-defense technique is justified and when not. Be very specific. Schools will often punish a child who fights back. Some of our students’ parents have warned the school in writing ahead of time that, since the school has not protected their children from bullying, they will back their children up if they have to fight.

Learning physical self-defense helps most children become more confident, even if they never have to use these skills in a real-life situation. Just being more confident helps children to avoid being chosen as a victim most of the time. Give your child the chance to practice Bully Physical Defense techniques like kicking someone in the shins, pinching someone's leg or upper arm, or hitting someone in the chest. You can practice in the air or by holding a sofa cushion. There are different self-defense techniques for more dangerous situations that kids should also learn. Consider sending your child to a class like Kidpower. See How to Choose A Good Self-Defense Program.

The Nurturing Parent

Abuse, neglect, abandonment, violence and abduction ... these tragic realities are what many children in America live with. Sadly, violence and neglect towards children is nothing new ... it is deeply rooted in cultural and religious values.

We must nurture our children ...it is one of the important things we can do. A parents' love and caring determines how a child grows up and how a child will eventually parent.

Adults can nurture children's positive self-esteem by helping them discover what they are good at doing. Part of a child's self esteem comes from feeling competent and skilled at something they enjoy. By creating opportunities for children to explore different objects, activities, and people ... and nurturing those interests, you can play a big role in helping children to be successful and feel good about themselves.

The early years are when children show personality traits and preferences for what they like and dislike. By planning opportunities with children's unique personality styles in mind, you nurture their positive feelings about themselves.

Nurturing children, building a loving and caring relationship is not always easy. With patience and love – you can do it!

• Treat each child according to their needs.

• Every child needs parents who can notice and appreciate their special   qualities. When siblings are involved, trying to treat each equally usually   backfires and undermines children's individuality.

• Focus attention whenever possible, avoiding distractions.

If children want to interact at a time when you cannot be fully attentive, let them know and schedule a time for conversation and/or play when you can focus entirely on them. Children usually know when adults are only half-listening and can feel frustrated, unheard, and at times even unloved when this happens. Listening to children with your full attention helps strengthen their sense of importance and gives the message that you really want to hear what they are thinking and feeling.

• Listen sensitively, avoid (too much) questioning, and describe the situation.

• Children will usually shut down emotionally when parents bombard them with   questions. They feel on the spot and pressured when adults probe and   inquire too much about their day. Describing the situation is a neutral and   non-intrusive approach that leaves room for children to respond in their own   way.

• Use "I" messages and try to avoid blaming and accusations. This will allow   you to express your feelings about a particular behavior without attacking   your child's character or self-esteem.

• Set limits that are appropriate to children's age, temperament and stage of   development.

When parents have limited time with their children, they may tend to let things go and not set reasonable and necessary limits. Children need to know that you – their parent or caregiver have the interest, energy and authority to set appropriate standards for behavior and the skills to follow through.

Start traditions that feel comfortable and fit your parenting style and financial resources. Traditions provide children with an important sense of belonging. They don't have to be elaborate in order to be fun or memorable. The most important thing you can do to start a new tradition (or continue an old one) is whatever feels comfortable and enjoyable for both the parents and children. Traditions are also important for teaching children about--and centering them in their cultures.

Take care of yourself so that you have energy and enthusiasm available for your children. It can be hard to find a balance between meeting your children's needs and making time for yourselves. It is important for you to find appropriate outlets for your feelings of stress, responsibilities, etc., and you need some 'down' time to pursue your own interests or just to unwind. Most parents find that even a short break from children can make a positive difference in the way they feel.

Parents need to fulfill themselves as parents, in their parenting roles, and also as individuals with interests outside the family. They need to go places on their own, and to do some things just for themselves. Then parents return to their children refreshed.

When you're stressed:
• Try to resolve situations before they escalate.
• Take time out.
• Call someone and express how you're feeling. Ask them to come over and   stay with the kids for a while.
• Count to 10 and think, "What do I really want to accomplish here?
• Hit a pillow to release your frustrations
• Play music
• Remember how much you love your child and think about the best way to   show that to your child.

Keep your children safe, no matter what!

The best way to keep children safe is to keep them from getting hurt in the first place. Many parents who do cause harm to their children don't mean to do it. If a parent was neglected or abused as a child, it may be that much harder to change to a more constructive behavior with their own kids. There is an abundance of support and information available to help parents accomplish raising healthy and safe children. There are many ways to successfully manage a child's behavior. When adults learn to rely on constructive, non-hurtful parenting, both parent and child feel better about themselves. Positive parenting approaches help the whole family to thrive. These approaches can be seen in other aspects of their lives as well. Parents even do better at work and their children are more successful in school.

There are two types of childhood experiences:

• Positive experiences that build strong character and a sense of self-worth   and that model a nurturing parenting style.

• Negative experiences that engulf children in parenting models of abuse,   neglect, exploitation, and victimization.

The best parenting comes from parents who create an environment that produces experiences that affect the growth of the individual child. The nurturing parent uses a nurturing touch, empathy, empowerment, and unconditional love to ensure the overall health of their child.

Abusive parents who use hitting, belittling, neglecting basic needs, and other actions that lower an individual's sense of self-worth ...or worse, have a negative impact on the health of their child.

Child abuse has a detrimental impact on a child's self-image, giving them feelings of low self-esteem, which impacts how they will treat others. Children who value themselves and treat themselves with respect show the same behavior toward others. The connection between self-worth and the worth of others is critical in child abuse prevention. Nurturing has been proven to be a positive influence on a child's self-image and self-worth.

Child abuse is the result of poorly trained adults who as parents and caregivers, try to instill discipline and educate children with the same violence that they themselves experienced as children ...because that's all they know.

Parenting is learned in childhood and repeated when children become parents. The experiences children have while growing up, have a significant impact on the attitudes, skills, and parenting practices they will use with their own children.

What is learned can be unlearned and anyone and everyone can learn good parenting skills. Even parents who are overwhelmed, or alone. The first three years of your child's life are crucial. Those are the years that your child will develop significant intellectual, emotional and social abilities. That's when they learn to give and accept love. They learn confidence, security, and empathy ... they learn to be curious and persistent ... everything your child needs to learn to relate well to others, and lead a happy and productive life. The first three years are the doorway to forever!

Nurturing children is about the way we love them ...the way we bring them up. A parent's love is our children’s destiny. It's the legacy we give them.

Love Our Children for the way we live today.